huh

I had an interesting day yesterday.

I made a list of things I wanted to get done, and I cranked through them. I actually managed to get nearly all of them finished. My guitar lesson didn't happen because my teacher didn't show. I guess she has a new job and we hadn't checked in about changing the time. I am not too worried about rescheduling, she's good about that, it's just a matter of finding a time that works for both of us, especially with me heading out of town for a week on Saturday afternoon. But I got a ton of stuff out in the mail, one package went out to a friend with a collection of stuff that I hadn't sent to her in years, including a thank you note from our wedding, yikes!

I dropped off some little Valentine chocolates to friends, I even did some work errands, fitting in an hour and a half where i thought maybe I wouldn't get to do anything.

I even made it to the pool for 30-40 minutes or so & got about 5 minutes in at the sauna. G got me a dozen pink roses (my favorite color) and I got him a cute balloon, but we didn't really do anything else special to celebrate Valentine's day.

The one other thing I didn't get done that was on my list was get the give-away clothes out of the house. I realized at the last minute that I could have even fulfilled that list item by at least bagging them up and bringing them to the car that night, but somehow just realizing I COULD have done that, seemed to let me off the hook for doing it.

By many accounts, I did really well yesterday, I was productive, caught up on a lot of backlog stuff. For much of the day I was feeling almost high at the prospect of spring, the sun was out, the snow was melting and the birds were chattering. But somehow on my way to the pool, I found myself really, really sad. Crying. I couldn't connect it to anything specific really. I was maybe a little bummed we didn't do anything very special for Valentine's, but I definitely didn't want to go out and eat a big meal after our crazy indulgent weekend, and we're about to go on a trip together to TX, so it seemed silly to go out anywhere with that big expense coming up, so I don't know what else I really would have wanted to do. As I gently poked around my mind and body trying to figure out the why, I also had the thought, "why is it so important to know WHY this is happening? What if you were just experiencing it and could be ok with that? Just release it and let it go. Does it really matter one way or another why as long as it gets out?"

I met with my herbalist today who said that the spring is the season of the liver, and that the liver is where we store sadness, so it may just be some of that happening. Maybe so. A lot is moving these days, a lot of energy is flowing, old stuff is leaving. I've got quite the itch to DO, it feels good when I actually get to do it. That's pretty natural for spring I think. The thaw. Literal and metaphorical. Maybe that's why we always talk about the weather. It seems trivial, but it's so connected to our life experience on so many levels...

Not as hard on your heart

I want you

to stop being so hard on yourself

Would you say these things to your closest friend?

To any friend?

I didn't think so.

Would your closest friends allow you to say these things about yourself, if they knew?

Who gave you permission to be such a jerk? So cruel?

No one deserves to be so put down

No one

That doesn't mean you're getting a free pass

That you get to stop working on things

Oh no

It might even be harder

Because when you don't have the excuse of preempting the possibility of failure

Keeping you from taking action

You still have to work to get what you want

It's just the path is cleared now

So it might be less sitting around paralyzed

And more actual work

Which might, in a way, be harder

Just not on your heart

Two things I haven't done in a while...

1. Wear my ring on the proper finger

2. Make a Valentine card.

Re 1: It's not 100% comfortable yet, but month ago it would have been a struggle to get on, and I would have started panicking to get it off immediately after, which would include stuff like running my hand under cold water and using soap. Tonight I can get it on and off easily, and had it on for at least an hour without it bothering me at all. PROGRESS!!!

Re 2: It's not as detailed or intricate as cards I have done before, and yeah, probably any kid could have done just about the same, but the point being I was motivated, and I made it with my own two hands. Not sure how long it's been since I made a Valentine card...

I think the pendulum swung from overdoing on making cards during my school years, (as in, making cards for absolutely everyone I knew in an attempt to make the cards that I gave to my crushes just seem like "one of the crowd" and nothing particularly special. Yeah, I was a goof that way...) to not doing at all. Maybe next year I can reserve making cards for more of the people I care about without overdoing. Because it really IS fun. PROGRESS!!!

Happy

It's been happening to me more and more these days.  I'll be in the middle of whatever crazy thing I may be doing, and I'll stop, and smile inside and say to myself, "I'm happy."

I don't know what it is exactly.  Maybe my stars have changed.  Maybe I'm doing more things that feel "productive" and that makes me feel better about myself in general.  Maybe it's spring and the green and the birds and the blossom scented air.  Maybe I've been a tad more physically active.  Maybe some of those Peruvian healing rites are working.  Maybe keeping the goals blog is helping, even if I don't manage to get all of them done, it's more than I would have done without them.

I still feel a bit like I'm on a roller coaster.  Can't see around all the bends and I know there will be some more ups and downs.  I wish a few more things were solid so I didn't have to wonder, and there are still plenty of "shoulds" that frustrate me, plenty of inertia I'm battling.  I still get cranky and tired and keep myself up too late and don't eat enough of the right things.  But so many of the things I'm doing feel good, feel natural and right.  Even when I'd expect them to make me feel nervous, frazzled or stressed, they don't.  

I'm happy.

Here Comes the Sun

Woke up to sunshine and the chorus of Steve Seskin's song in my head: "This is my day, this is my day, this is my day"



It totally turned me around during the rainy rainy miserable wet Folks Fest. And I think it's working again now. Yeah!

I woke up, meditated, played some of my songs, gave a treat to the bird and ate breakfast. All this before signing on to the computer. Feels much better that way, hoping I can keep doing that. Cuz now at the end of the day, I don't have to look at my guitar case and cry inside because I haven't touched it my guitar the whole day.

Glad I found the YouTube, its a new song of his and I don't think it's recorded yet. Gonna watch again.

This is my day, this is my day, this is my day.

Yes yes

Feeling incredibly content and grateful. The Rachel Ries/Anais Mitchell concert was as good as I hoped.

It was PACKED. And on Wednesday Steve had been worried it might not be a good turnout. He threatened to just shut down the cafe forever if people didn't come. He made extra posters, Heli got a Facebook event going and I added a bunch of people to it. I'm not sure who's to say those last minute things helped in packing the house but whatever it was it worked. (probably helped there wasn't really any competition to speak of tonight.)

They played the songs off the EP in order, trading the acoustic back and forth. Then they just started playing other stuff. Did a few from Anais' Folk Opera. Which I still SO want to see. Next time she puts it on out there I am getting a ticket and flying out and I am SEEING IT. dammit. So there. Any part of it I hear or see only makes me want to see it more. She borrowed Rachel's electric for one of them, the one about the Wall, and totally had fun with the whammy bar at the end. :)

Anais mentioned me at one point, because she had a song about Venus, and said something like "This is a song about a goddess, and we were on the radio - Lyrical Venus, is that right? (Rachel nods) and she's here tonight. Anyway it was so funny because Heather told us right before we went on that we couldn't both talk at the same time or it would cut out, and then she asked us a question and we were both silent." hehe. And the song rocked. I think Tim was recording. I hope so because that would be awesome to play on my show.

Rachel had a sparkly shirt and hoop earrings that were very much like mine. :) and she played Hands to Water on the piano, sooo beautiful. And told us about her boy that she got to keep and sang a song about him. And did a new one about how it might be if her grandma was still alive that was really awesome. They did an acoustic version of Shenandoah for the encore.

Only wish it had gone on longer. But it kind of did for a few of us - after most everyone cleared out of the cafe people brought out whiskey and wine and bread and olives and cheese. Somehow we started singing some Christmas carols, because the sound of the roaster was like one of those sleigh bell song beats I think, and then Tom Morgan grabbed Anais' guitar and we sang the first verse of a bunch more, because everyone knows them, but only the first verse really. Sharon sang a couple, and gave everyone some mini shoulder massages. Tim went home and got his pipes, flute & mandolin and some really amazing Italian parmesan that you break off in chunks "so as not to destroy the crystalline structure." Heli gave Rachel a crash course in knitting and Tim gave Anais a crash course in pipes.

Steve got Rachel and Anais to each do one more at the end, and Helen requested one of my favorite's of Rachel's - Summer Came, A Warning. And when Tom asked her she said that she taught herself to play guitar by being stubborn and listening to songs and figuring them out by ear, that she had no theory or fret board knowledge. Anais did a new one she said isn't finished but it was damn amazing and damn sad about a farmer trying to get the hay in before it rained and his wife was in labor and she kept telling him to go out and finish or the whole season would be lost and they could go to the hospital when he finished, but he got half the hay in and went to check on her and she was dead. I had feeling that was where the thing was going, but it still broke my heart. Apparently based on a story her dad wrote.

Told Anais that Brooke had played her song Changer (that was maybe the only one I especially wished she would have played that she didn't) at my house concert and she said what an honor and if I saw Brooke to say hello because she hadn't seen her in a long time. Not really sure when that would happen, but it's nice anyway, and I do hope Brooke comes back.

So yes, a full and happy heart have I tonight. I love it when something is as good as you hoped it would be. So often the high expectations are impossible to live up to. This was not one of those cases.

Better

Stayed up till 3, woke up to a phone call at 9am and had to jump out of bed to go walk the neighbor's dog. (He had gone to KC with G) After walking all the way around the park was not really feeling like going back to bed. Cranky most of the morning. Got to take a good nap this afternoon and doing much better night tonight. Helped at Sharon's birthday concert at Cafe P. Sweet, fun, happy. Lots of fun guys to play with her too. Sounded great.

Feels like Sunday already because I went to Peter Pan on Thurs, KRUU benefit on Friday and concert tonight, but I have one more play to see tomorrow - Beauty & the Beast in Bloomfield. Need to figure out how long it takes to get there. Going to the matinee.

Only problem with taking the nap is it makes it easier to stay up late. grah.

True Need or Pure Joy

My friend and one of my personal heroes - finishing Med school with THREE little boys - sent out an email this morning to our group of girlfriends asking for our good intentions to help her with her affirmation that she has good people to help her with childcare. Her husband is away on a long weekend for a continuing ed program and she's feeling the strain particularly at the moment. My reply ended up being a lot longer and more introspective than I thought! (also for those of you who don't know, my Colombia travel blog is back in business for the next couple of months, you'll find more posts on there: http://heatherincolombia.blogspot.com/)

Sending you big hugs and strength and of course I will add that to my intentions for you. I do so wish I could be there but I also know this time in Colombia is valuable and healing, and it's really quite amazing to recognize just how much the last year of work took out of me. I know you probably don't FEEL like an inspiration, but please do know that you ARE, just by being exactly you, right now, as is. And I really do trust in the universe to take care of you and your beautiful family in one way or another, because you are all such good, deserving beings.

I realize now that part of the reason I was so eager to have a baby last year is I was looking for a way out of that job that didn't require me saying for myself, "I give up on this, it's not good for me anymore and I know there is something better for me out there." Because it WAS a fabulous job up until the company was bought out, and I did so love working with my friends every day until the end. It's also scary for me to claim things for myself, and easier to just take what life throws at me. I'm really good at being resourceful and fairly terrified to even try and consider what I might want if given the opportunity to choose for myself, let alone actually ask for it! Chances are, if I HAD gotten pregnant I would have still felt I had to continue with the job anyway, and would have just been the same stressed out AND pregnant. Well, I got my wish for a way out, and a chance to be more conscious about my choices.

I still do want to have a baby, and I know it's easier on the body the younger I am, but let's face it, my body isn't in the greatest shape right now, and it would probably be better for me to get a little healthier first. And I wouldn't be able to be in Colombia if I had a little one, and I do so want to know Spanish for that little one so he or she can speak with the other half of their family, and so I can both understand and participate in that conversation. So it comes back to that trust that everything is unfolding in the way it's meant to unfold.

Being here is very interesting, observing the cultural differences. These people know how to relax, they know how to play. They seem pretty comfortable with just hanging out doing nothing much. For the first few days I just slept, rested, and settled in. Sometime around a week I had the thought, "Wow, I'm so lazy, I should get a job! I need to be doing something productive!" and then I stopped and thought, "What if you just honored this time out you are taking to rest and learn for yourself? In the scope of a life 2 months isn't all that long, and it could provide you with a whole lot of strength to be productive later on."

I've also lately been reminded about something Ani DiFranco said on the bootleg album I have (Boston 11.10.06), about how she's been learning so much from the people of her new home city New Orleans. She calls it the "white person's disease" where she thinks "oh, my life is so hard, I'm so sad," etc, and meanwhile the people of New Orleans know how to transcend and write some happy, happy music. And I notice that phenomenon here, and in G. I think when how hard life could really be is so close in your face, you recognize and value what you have, and can be happy with simple things. And it scares and saddens me a little when I see those American ways of thinking creeping into the city along with the American conveniences that really do improve lives.

I wonder what it would be like to fully extract myself from that manufactured cycle that capitalism/marketing created to convince people that they lack, and will be happy if they have more? What would it be like to create and acquire things out of true need or pure joy, rather than fear and discontent?

Wow, deep thoughts for a Saturday afternoon, and inspired from a simple reaching out... I guess I never know what's in there needing to come out! Possibly also because I haven't been able to express myself much here yet, it is a little lonely.

My official classes at the University start on Monday, that'll probably be a whole other ball of wax.

I love you all so much and I'm filled with such gratitude to have each and every one of you in my life!

Once again, wishing you lots of strength and lots of help!

With a Full Heart,
Hum

100 Things that Delight Me

Was just inspired by Christine Kane's list of 100 things that delight her. She is totally amazing, I highly recommend her blog.


100 things seems like a lot! Let's see how I do!

1. Blue curtains
2. Sparkley shirts
3. Chopping vegetables with a really sharp knife
4. The sizzle of wet vegetables when they hit a hot frying pan
5. Picking out photographs to share with friends
6. Punching holes in paper
7. Watching someone pick out earrings (or a card, or whatever) that I made
8. Understanding a new context for a word in Spanish
9. Tiny curling vines in unexpected places
10. Cute sandals
11. The way hair curls on a hot sweaty day, or after a shower
12. Getting a comment on my blog
13. Finding out my poems have subtext
14. Happening upon the perfect song for a music mix
15. Having a rhyme pop into my head
16. Soaring harmonies
17. New bands
18. Warm socks
19. Socks with funky patterns or colors
20. Seeing individual snowflakes on a coat sleeve
21. Getting a good seat at a concert
22. Hazelnut lattes
23. Wood floors
24. Community theatre
25. Putting together scraps to make a beautiful collage
26. Unpacking a box or bag that's been sitting in a corner
27. Waking up at 2 am and going downstairs to sit by the Christmas tree
28. Finding smooth stones
29. Whole seashells on the beach
30. Driftwood and sea glass
31. Getting to use expensive cameras and having it look the way I imagine it in my head
32. Farmer's markets
33. Fresh strawberries
34. Picking raspberries
35. The moon, the moon, the moon
36. Guessing right about what someone wants
37. The innocent joy of a kid showing off a new skill
38. Baby feet
39. French fries
40. Down comforters
41. Shoes that fit
42. Embroidered jeans
43. Ticket stubs
44. The smell of fresh baked bread
45. Iced chai
46. Being included in technical/political discussions
47. Little bird feet on my finger
48. My Mac laptop
49. My pink iPod (and case!!)
50. Carabiner clips
51. Connecting dots
52. Candlelight
53. Candleholders
54. Hearing my friend's voices over the phone
55. Making Christmas presents
56. Making Valentines
57. Dressing up in costume
58. Really long fake eyelashes
59. Catching up with my Mom
60. Piling on the couch after a holiday meal
61. Clean laundry
62. Turquoise glass
63. Surprising someone with compliments
64. Belting to my favorite songs
65. Making lists
66. Crossing things off lists
67. Birthday cake
68. Pretty journals
69. Finally seeing the original work of art
70. Getting a CD signed after a concert
71. Being noticed
72. Sun shining through ice covered branches
73. Rabbits
74. The softness of dog ears
75. Kumquats
76. Gerber daisies
77. Flower deliveries
78. Posting a video on YouTube
79. Laughing
80. Using the fancy glasses
81. Napkin rings
82. Pearls
83. The first robin in spring
84. Monarch butterflies
85. Gel window clings
86. Discovering a new blog
87. Eavesdropping in coffee shops
88. Making up stories
89. Helping someone learn a faster way to do something on their computer
90. New guitar strings
91. Underwear that fits just right
92. Unfolding new tissue wrapping paper
93. Picking out beads
94. Choosing a new stamp
95. Figuring out how to recreate something on the cheap
96. Inventing recipes
97. Getting chills from a new interpretation of a cover song
98. The cream Bavarian cream filled donuts
99. San Francisco sourdough
100. Sleeping outside

Wow. I could probably keep going. That's pretty cool. How about you?

What the heck kids?

It's Monday.

So this morning I slept until 10:30. Got up and played some Christmas carols note by note on my guitar until I could almost do them at singing speed. Went downstairs and made some bear mush with cashews and dried apricot bits, and a pot of my special Kismet tea from San Clemente. I think it's been at least a year since I made myself a breakfast like that. I almost cried. It's so simple, fast and nourishing, but I never had the time during the week or the energy during the weekends to even think about that. Sheesh. And then I ate it in front of the heater and just enjoyed. No checking emails or fielding phone calls or whatnot.

I can hear my brother singing downstairs. My car is half buried in snow. I have the biggest, awesome-est tree ever in the living room just waiting to be decorated. I still have half a pot of tea. I think I'm going to watch a movie...

Did I mention it's MONDAY?!

I Asked Her for Some Happy News

10 points if you know which song I heard on the radio for the first time in a while the other day. (Blog title = hint)

Things that have made me happy lately:

1) Profile of Hug Nation

2) JK Rowling reveals Dumbledore is gay

3) I recently ran through every one of my songs I could remember. There were a few that were VERY rusty, but even those I pretty much remembered, and with a paper I could sail through them. It took me about an hour, which I think would be long enough for a concert, especially if there was a break. Whoo-hoo! um, yeah, now I just need to figure out when and polish them up... and ask people to play with me...

4) Skype came out with a new emoticon - it's a squirrel and it's SO CUTE (heidy) Someone who worked there I guess...

5) I got asked to be in a play

6) I got asked why I don't have a radio show on KRUU. Maybe I should finally take the plunge... except I'm SO busy. Maybe after the play... Which is in only a couple weeks. EEK!

7) Tea and Puppies at L's house. (Did I mention I wrote her a song? Whee! first new one in a while!)

8) Sondheim show with A and T. And getting to see A's house before going.

9) Dark Crystal with at GA & C's place.

10) ENORMOUS tasty grapes!

11) The idea of going to Colombia for 2 months early next year to totally immerse in Spanish before coming back and figuring out what to do...

12) Making mocha chip cookies